Lemmy -- MiLemmyum
Theoretically deceased Motörhead frontbeing's audiobook of his coloring book autobiography is a single 45-minute exhaling hack, like a phlegmy sinewave (not to be confused with the all-electronic Motörhead tribute band PhLemmy Sinewave). This boxed set of 100 eight-disc boxed sets, each containing an empty corn cob (what, do I have to spell it out for you? Am I the only one reading the cob implications between the lines of "Iron Fist"?) (not to be confused with Korn tribute band Cob Implications) is accompanied by a box of MiLemmyYums! cereal: chocolate marshmallow umlauts in a frosted oat cereal that turns milk whiskey-y.
Jeffrey Stanley -- The Glorious Desk
This is the desk upon which Stanley composed his upcoming release I Have Invented A New Universe Populated By The Saxophone People; I Shall Call It Saxophonia. Oh Wait, That's Taken. Hold On, Let Me Think Of Something Else. Overwhelming in its profundity, impressive in its functionality. Available as a desk.
The Poo-Teens -- That Better Be Gravy On Those Fries
Leading lights of Montreal's scat-punk scene follow up on their impressive string of 7"s with a piece of excrement in a plastic bag.
Beyoncé -- Lemonade Old White Male Critic Trading Cards
In the aftermath of
Beyoncé's
Lemonade film and album, the only reactions that mattered, according to old white male critics, were those of old white male critics. In tones ranging from "contrarian" to "I'm not being contrarian!...um, unless a media outlet will pay me to be," the alleged thinkpieces by old white men were as insightful as a rejected script for a
Freedent Gum commercial with the word "moistens" underlined. Now, in the grand tradition of the as-seen-on-tv
Illustrated Wildlife Treasury cards, you can collect
Beyoncé's Lemonade Old White Male Critic Trading Cards! Each card includes a full-color photo of your favorite Old White Male Critic (or Olwhimalitic) with fun facts on the back! "It says here that the Village Voice critic sleeps standing up and only eats at night! He also finds
Beyoncé 'boring'! Wow! How penetratingly contrarian! And look, that guy who writes for Magnet has feet like a duck, but is furry! He also erroneously finds
Lemonade to be 'full of indie-rock samples!' So intriguingly incorrect! Awesome!"
Shrug -- Welp
Meh.
Tapes 'n Tapes / Tokyo Police Club -- Wait, Which One Are We Again?
In a last-ditch attempt at garnering the kind of attention they used to garner, when they played at James Garner's funeral, early '00s South By Southwest darlings join forces to figure out once and for all which band members are in which band on tracks like, "Wait, I Thought Only One Of Our Guys Wore Glasses?", "Didn't You Used To Have A Beard? Am I Supposed To Have A Beard?" and "Shit, You Have A Beard AND Glasses? Now I'm Confused." Available as an ironic shoelace.
Fuck It, Here's A Broadway Musical About Connect Four, You Millennial Dickshits -- original cast recording
Lin-Manuel Miranda's triumphant new musical shares the distinction with Hamilton as being among those musicals that are audible. Rapping checkers, a Greek chorus (known as
The Pretty Sneaky Sisses), and a guest spot by the bathtub from Mouse Trap combine to make this the must-hear cast album of the next seven minutes. Hip-hop stylings this edgy haven't been heard since that time your dad said his own name, and then declared he was "here to say" before he trailed off when everyone left the room in embarrassment. Available here, diagonally.
Hot Dylan Takes Pockets
The recent Nobel Prize winner teams up with the gastrointestinal New Dylan of the '10s to create takes so hot, so scorching, so zestily uninformed that they can only be contained within the flaky, buttery crust of a Hot Pockets brand sandwich. The
It's Not Literature Cheeseburger is my favorite, filled with melted cheese, lean ground beef, and embarrassing misapprehensions about what constitutes "literature." The
But He's Just A Rock Singer Jalapeno Chicken Melt combines the spiciness of jalapenos with savory grilled chicken and the tangy theory that Dylan's work is inherently inferior because it's "popular music" as explained by nothing more than a sepia-toned soft-focus photo of a latte. All flavors have been compiled on the
Stuck Inside Of Muy Caliente With The Shut The Fuck Up You Don't Know What You're Talking About Blues Again boxed set. It's like there's a Facebook feed in your mouth, and only those three pompous schmucks you keep meaning to block are invited. Available in your grocer's freezer and my colon.
Anthony Braxton - Shirley Ellis Duo
Composer Braxton teams up with
"The Name Game" singer Ellis on the collaboration of the century. Braxton's trademark method of multiple compositions being played simultaneously works remarkably well
with Ellis' eponym-hobby logics, best heard on "
Compositions 159 + (30 + 108a) Compositions 159 + (30 + 108a) Bo-Bompositions 159 + (30 + 108a), Banana-fana-fo-Fompositions 159 + (30 + 108a), Fee-fi-mo-Mompositions 159 + (30 + 108a)...Compositions 159 + (30 + 108a)!" This project was awarded a Guggenheim grant on the basis of Ellis singing "The Name Game" with "Guggenheim" ("Honestly, she almost lost me at Banana-fana-fo-Fuggenheim," reported one board member). Available as a tricornered hat made entirely out of a giant Bugles corn snack.